It's Different This TIme!- Day Three

I am the girl who cried wolf. My anxiety cries loudly, and often- begging for attention. My anxiety tells me I'm dying- that pain in my leg, that weird heart beat, that sore elbow. Each time it's serious: Death. There is no other option.

I often debate within myself as to what to tell Tommy. Logically, I know the majority of my aches and pains are not pointing to death. But it's often hard to talk down the thoughts I am having. And if I tell Tommy every time I fear death, we wouldn't talk about much else. I try to choose what to tell him, so he will take it seriously. Though, often his advise is: you should stretch more.

Therapy is helpful, my mental health is not in as tenuous of a place as it was last year. But when the panic is coming in waves, and the pain is so real and the only thing I can think about- I can't remember what I've been taught in order to respond and de-escalate my mind.

I've been reading John Green's new book: Turtles All the Way Down, and I'm obsessed. It's the story of Aza, a high school student, who is working through her anxiety while attempting to be a normal human. I relate to Aza so much, the obsessive thought spirals, the disconnect with reality, the physical pain. In reading I came across a quote that speaks to much to my anxiety. Aza in the midst of a thought spiral was convinced that her pain was different this time. And she says: "Then again, didn't it always feel different? No, this felt different from the other differents." This is the truth of my anxiety. Every obsessive thought, every pain I can't get out of my head: this time it's different. This time it's the end.

Mental health is an unending journey. Some days I'm good, and some days I'm not. Sometimes my physical pain begs me to tell Tommy that I'm dying. And it's not about calling myself crazy, or ignoring the thoughts. It's about finding ways to work through the thoughts, and find solutions. And I don't think I'll ever be done learning along this road.