Day TwentyTwo- Choosy Ramblings

I've always liked those stories of close-calls. People who left there house at the right second to avoid the falling piano, the moving vehicle, the serial killer. 

I have my own moments that I wonder about. If I had waited a second longer that night in Cambodia would I have been hit by a car? If I had applied a week earlier for that job in London, would I ever have lived in North Carolina? 

I tend to lead my life by the seat of my pants. I impulsively make big decisions and hope for the best. Moving to North Carolina was one of those choices. Someone mentioned the job to me offhandedly, and it was the only job for which I applied. I spent seven months freaking out about my future only to have it settled in less than a week from initial e-mail to job offer. Looking back I wonder if I took it because I was consciously making a choice, or because I was afraid to look for other things. And if I had not gone to Fletcher this year, where would I be? 

I almost transferred schools after my freshman year at Walla Walla- for a boy. It came down to the wire, I remember his friends telling me not come, and then he told me. I had a class schedule, a roommate, everything was done. But I didn't go. If I had transferred, who would my friends be now? Would I have gone to Cambodia? Would I have spent a year in Texas and then moved back to Walla Walla to start over? 

Sometimes I wonder if I am living my life with intention, or if I am letting it happen to me. 

I am SO happy I didn't leave Walla Walla. And I go back and forth on the happiness about Fletcher, but I know I am learning a lot, and the people there are helping me grow. The school year is half way over, and people keep asking me where I'll be next year. I can't shrug hard enough. I have a slew of half finished applications on my computer- choices waiting to be made. 

Maybe I'll stay in North Carolina forever, maybe I'll move to Seattle, maybe I'll move to Italy and work in a coffee shop. But there will come a moment when I'll have to choose, and just like it has been in the past it will probably be something small that pushes me to action. I want to live a life of purpose, and on purpose. I don't just want life to happen to me, I want to make things happen. 

I don't know where I will be five years from now, or even next year, and that's just fine. I tend to obsess about the options and then I yell at myself, "JUST CHOOSE SOMETHING!" I know there are many places I could be happy, it's just about choosing to take a step in any direction.

There is that Alice in Wonderland quote that I feel can sum up my life thus far:

“Alice came to a fork in the road. 'Which road do I take?' she asked.
'Where do you want to go?' responded the Cheshire Cat.'I don't know,' Alice answered.'Then,' said the Cat, 'it doesn't matter.” 

Moral of the Story: The past may look like a choice, but it was probably an accident.